I want a new love.
I want a love I have never experienced before. A love that transcends the superficial, the material, the petty. A love that walks right over and introduces itself to me with a smile, because my smile was a magnet. A love that has noble and specific intentions. A love that stays up chatting the first time until 3am then says goodnight with a warm handshake. A love that doesn’t need to rush, because it wants us both to enjoy every single moment of getting to know each other.
I want a love built on a foundation of friendship. A love that thinks I’m funny and smart and pretty and beautiful and awesome, especially on days when I absolutely feel the opposite. A love that sings oldies r&b loudly with me on short trips to go grocery shopping, a love that gives me piggy-back rides over shallow puddles in the rain. A love that suggests we stop by the playground and hit the sliding board couple times before having a swing competition. A love that loves roller coasters and scary movies and random games of urban hide-and-seek. A love that laughs at me with myself, and laughs with me at itself. A love that can always find reasons to laugh.
I want a love that loves me how I am, not how it would like or expects me to be. A love to which I can expose all of my flaws, a love that will be endeared to me because of all my flaws. A love that will encourage instead of criticize, support instead of condemn, laugh with me instead of yell at me. I want a love that would never let negativity be our last engagement; a love that, even when furious with me, will always let me know I am deeply loved before walking away. A love that doesn’t find loving me to be too much of an effort. A love that will ever strive to find the reasons why, instead of dwelling on the reasons why not.
I want a love unlike all previous loves. A love that isn’t cruel, or condescending, or hypercritical. A love that cares if I am hurt, or angry, or any other kind of upset and wants to help heal it, even if it didn’t cause it. A love that considers me more than just another option, or a side dish, or basic. A love that truly forgives; that doesn’t save up resentments and slights to be used as punishment later. A love that doesn’t lie just to get me to do what it wants; a love that doesn’t take me for granted, or take advantage of me. A love that doesn’t keep me attached just in case, or until someone better comes along. A love that would never discard me just because someone better came along. A love that doesn’t consider me too old, or too black, or too loud, or too clumsy, or too much of anything. A love that considers me to be enough. I want a love that chooses me.
I want this love, this seemingly rare anomaly, contained in a lover with whom I share mutual attraction, respect and appreciation. I want this love attached to an amazing, curious, creative mind and a sensual and affectionate body. I want this love supported by a deep spirituality consisting of an unshakeable faith, an unsinkable hope, an unflappable belief. I want all of this because I have all of this to give and I need a worthy vessel to receive this. I want all of this because I am worthy of receiving this.
Until I find this love, this only love, this last love, I will love myself, well and often. I will continue to be the best person I can be, and pursue my happiness, and cherish all the love I already have in my life. I will work, and dance, and play, and smile, and laugh loudly and frequently. This is how I will prepare and hold space for this love. This is how I will show them how to love me.
And this love, this ultimate, exquisite, joyously anticipated love will come just when it’s supposed to.
Like a fresh start, or a sunrise – brand new, and right on time.